I Can't Survive When You're Not Here
by JanieTattoos
Summary: Jane has a reoccuring dream about Shepherd and Roman, and Kurt struggles to get through to her. Set during the time jump.


Her nightmares never stopped; despite catching Shepherd, and despite having the comfort of Kurt beside her at night, they still come in frequent bursts. They take over her entire body, causing her to shake and sweat uncontrollably. Her breath quickens and she tries to fight it, tries to stop it, but she can't. The dreams succumb her completely, like waves forcefully crashing over her.

And it's always the same dream.

Every time, she finds herself in the exact same place, in the exact same situation. She's always in a dark, windowless room. The room is always freezing cold, and the walls always feel as if they're closing in on her. She always tries to find a way out; she pounds on the walls until her hands start to bleed, she screams for help, she runs and throws herself against the door, but every time, she fails to escape. But that's not even the worst of it. Right before she wakes from her nightmare, one of the walls always crumbles to present a huge, horizontal window, and on the other side is Shepherd, holding Roman and a stainless steel knife millimetres from his throat. And right before she wakes up, Shepherd slits his throat right in front of her and disappears immediately. He drops like a stone, blood seeping out from his neck. She screams his name but it's useless. And then she wakes up, scrambling around in her bed as if she's still in that boxed room.

She never tells Kurt about her dreams. She can't bring herself to. She knows that he has his demons, too; she often hears him getting up in the middle of the night, his shirt soaked with sweat. She knows he relives Taylor's disappearance in his dreams, but he never says so himself. She asks him every time if he wants to talk about it, but he always refuses. He asks her the same question after every nightmare she has, and she says the same thing - "I'll be fine" - even though the reality is the complete opposite.

But this night was different - she woke up before Shepherd had the chance to kill Roman. She woke up panting, pieces of hair sticking to her face. She rubbed her eyes forcefully, just to make sure that she wasn't still dreaming. She glanced over at Kurt. He was sleeping peacefully, mouth slightly open, his chest rising and falling gently. She checked the alarm clock beside her bed. 2:30am. She sighed, knowing that another night's sleep was now ruined. She didn't want to disturb him, so she quietly slipped out of bed and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water. She wasn't really thirsty, but she did it anyway. She wasn't in the right frame of mind to go back to bed, so she went over to the couch, pulled a blanket over her and put on the TV, turning the volume down so as to not wake up Kurt. A late-night rerun of a comedy show that she and Kurt liked was on, but she didn't have the energy to concentrate on it. The audience's laughs echoed in the apartment as she stared into space, the glow of the screen almost blinding her in the darkness.

"Are you okay?" said a groggy voice behind her.

She turned to find him looking at her. His eyes were thick with sleep and worry was stricken on his face.

"Sorry, did the TV wake you?" She cursed herself for turning it on in the first place.

"No, I… I notice whenever you're not in bed with me. It doesn't feel right".

"Oh," she whispered, not knowing what to say.

"You didn't answer my question," he persisted. "Are you okay?"

And then she broke. The floodgates were open, and there was nothing that she could do to stop them. He raced towards her immediately, flung himself down on the couch beside her, and pulled her onto his lap. He cradled her like a small child, stroking her hair. Her body rocked with sobs as he held her tighter, her tears dripping onto his shirt. He placed a kiss on the top her head and whispered into her hair, "It's alright, Jane. Stay with me". She continued to wail, the waves of sorrow and grief refusing to stop. She grabbed a fistful of his shirt, begging all of it to stop.

He felt utterly helpless. His wife was the strongest person he knew, and yet one nightmare could always cause her to come crashing down like this - and he couldn't do anything to prevent it. All he could do was pull her as close to him as he physically could, and keep her there until she felt okay again.

They stayed there like that for an hour, her sobs slowly easing with each stroke of her back. When her breathing eventually returned to a normal pace, he decided to take a risk.

"Can you tell me about it?" he whispered against her cheek.

She shook her head violently, her eyes shut tight.

He sighed. "Please, Jane, I… I want to help you".

After a few minutes, she spoke, her voice barely a whisper. "It's the same dream every time". Her lips trembled as she spoke. "I'm… I'm in a dark room, with no windows or anything, and I keep trying to get out but nothing works. And then… then when I give up, one of the walls disappears and a window replaces it, and then…"

She broke again for a few minutes, unable to get the words out. She felt bile rise in her throat as everything flooded back to her.

"Then… Shepherd's there, and she… she's got Roman. She's holding a knife against his throat, and they can't hear me screaming, and then she… she… she kills him".

The floods overtook her again, and he readjusted her back into his arms as he tried to come to terms with what she'd just told him. She'd kept that to herself for _months,_ with no one reassuring her or anything. In that moment, he'd never hated himself more.

"Jane, please look at me," he pleaded softly.

She slowly turned her face until she was staring right at him, tears slowly streaking down her cheeks. He carefully wiped them away with his thumb, whilst still holding onto her firmly.

"It's a horrible dream, but it's not real. I know we still can't find Roman, but Shepherd's in a very dark hole right now, so she's nowhere near him, okay?"

She nodded, her fist still clutching his shirt.

"I don't want you to keep me in the dark when you have bad dreams. I have mine too, but that doesn't mean that we can't help each other get through them. It's just going to take a bit of time, but we're gonna get through this, together".

"Together," she whispered, and smiled weakly up at him.

He kissed the top of her head once more, and reached for the TV remote to turn it off. "Let's go back to bed, we can try and get a few hours of sleep before work," he said, standing up with her in his arms.

"I love you, you know that?" she whispered weakly against his chin.

"I do", he replied, leaning down to kiss her briefly.

Once inside their bedroom, he gently placed her on top of their bed and slid in beside her, pulling the duvet around them. She pushed herself closer to him, resting her head on top of his chest, feeling the thud of his heart against her cheek. Within a few minutes, he noticed, her breathing had slowed down. She was asleep. He smiled down at her, before allowing himself to succumb to sleep as well.

After that night, nightmares were rare.


End file.
